Who even knows..?

Warning: I tend to hold all my emotions in and I will randomly explode and talk about things that happened a month ago or 230948 months ago. So this is just a jumble of problems. Might not even make any sense to you. I don't care. This is more for me to get things out than for you to read.

You know something is wrong when you can't be yourself around someone anymore. But where did things go wrong? Was it when I realized things weren't what they seemed to be? When it seemed like all my friends, even my boyfriend, were betraying my trust? Or what about when I'm around certain people, actually only one person, a girl, and I have to censor myself in what I say and what I do because I'm afraid of what will happen to my relationship? Like what the hell?!

I'm sick and tired of putting on this facade of this happy, go-lucky kind of person, when in reality, I just want to break down and cry and yell and beat the life out of something. I'm tired of having to compromise myself to make people happy. And you know what? I'm not going to anymore. I'm done. No more. I'm not going to let people dictate what I do anymore. If you don't like it, you can get over yourself. I don't give a crap anymore. I'm at the point where if I don't like you I'm not going to be afraid to show it to you. I will say nasty things about you. Behind your back and to your face.

And that's when I stop and realize, who have I turned into? Before all the high school drama my junior year I was a totally different person. It's so scary how in about six months someone can change so drastically. I've lost the desire to at least try and show compassion to people or just being a friendly person anymore. I'm cold and bitter towards anyone who gets on my nerves. I have the urge to tell them to shut-up, that no one cares about what they're saying. All these awful thoughts swim around in my head and at the same time I know it's wrong. If I put out a negative attitude, that's all I'm ever going to get back. I know that, yet I'm too stubborn to change my ways. I just pray to God that he restores it in me to be compassionate towards others and to love my neighbor. I want to be genuinly nice to everyone again. I don't want to be a bitter person anymore.
I'm sick and tired of myself...