>:/

You know how to push my buttons. You're doing a damn good job.

GAH!

I feel so convicted, and you know what? I love it:] I think when you don't feel convicted, you're not changing. Change is something I need so bad right now.

Okay, so let's set the scene: So there's a person at school and I absolutely, just about almost hate, dislike her with a huge passion. I'm oil, she's water. We do not go together. It's just a bad idea. I'm over the whole situation, but she always going to be that girl. The one that eff'd everything up for me last year. It doesn't help that 1) I'm stubborn in my ways and all women in my family are like this. and 2) You don't mess with a Latina's guy. You just don't do it.

I had one class with her last year and when the last day of school came I was so excited because I thought I was done seeing her. End of summer rolls around and all of our school schedules are mailed out. I get mine and I'm so happy with it. First day of school comes around and I realized I have THREE out of SIX classes with this person I would love to punch in the face. Okay, so maybe not....but I'm sure you're getting the idea. In fact, right now she's sitting next to me and out of the corner of my eye I can see she's looking at me. I want to glare at her and be like "WHAT DO YOU WANNTTT?!!!" That would cause a scene, and that's not cute. I'm not glaring at her. I'm proud of myself. It's actually quite a bit of an accomplishment. Considering I did it just over an hour ago in first period..oh well. Life goes on.
Here's where the conviction comes in. On Wednesday night Andrew was talking about all the different kids and their situations and how just a simple "Hi" can change things. You can make and impact on people with your attitude; last night at small group, we were talking about competition and change and a whole bunch of stuff. For me, it was a whole different kind of competition. I always had to out do her. I had to make myself stand out because I felt like if that could happen, I'm not doing something right and I need to fix that. That didn't last for long but it was definitely still there. Change. I need to change. It's not a coincidence that I spend half the day with her. She will try and talk to me and every single time I will shut her down. I've been given the opportunity to connect with her and love on her like Jesus would love everyone of us. I heard she went to Repossess and maybe that will open a door and somehow she'll be interested in FOS. That's not going to happen though if I continue to be this way towards her.

Who even knows..?

Warning: I tend to hold all my emotions in and I will randomly explode and talk about things that happened a month ago or 230948 months ago. So this is just a jumble of problems. Might not even make any sense to you. I don't care. This is more for me to get things out than for you to read.

You know something is wrong when you can't be yourself around someone anymore. But where did things go wrong? Was it when I realized things weren't what they seemed to be? When it seemed like all my friends, even my boyfriend, were betraying my trust? Or what about when I'm around certain people, actually only one person, a girl, and I have to censor myself in what I say and what I do because I'm afraid of what will happen to my relationship? Like what the hell?!

I'm sick and tired of putting on this facade of this happy, go-lucky kind of person, when in reality, I just want to break down and cry and yell and beat the life out of something. I'm tired of having to compromise myself to make people happy. And you know what? I'm not going to anymore. I'm done. No more. I'm not going to let people dictate what I do anymore. If you don't like it, you can get over yourself. I don't give a crap anymore. I'm at the point where if I don't like you I'm not going to be afraid to show it to you. I will say nasty things about you. Behind your back and to your face.

And that's when I stop and realize, who have I turned into? Before all the high school drama my junior year I was a totally different person. It's so scary how in about six months someone can change so drastically. I've lost the desire to at least try and show compassion to people or just being a friendly person anymore. I'm cold and bitter towards anyone who gets on my nerves. I have the urge to tell them to shut-up, that no one cares about what they're saying. All these awful thoughts swim around in my head and at the same time I know it's wrong. If I put out a negative attitude, that's all I'm ever going to get back. I know that, yet I'm too stubborn to change my ways. I just pray to God that he restores it in me to be compassionate towards others and to love my neighbor. I want to be genuinly nice to everyone again. I don't want to be a bitter person anymore.
I'm sick and tired of myself...